She follows me everywhere

I am alone. I no longer go to work. I no longer hang out with people. I no longer go out and do things with people. I hardly go out and do much of anything anymore. I do go to doctor appointments (woo-hoo, we all know how much fun those are, right?) For one I don't have co-workers anymore and the other it seems that the people I thought were friends, I have come to find out aren't.
Being sick is a funny situation. You see everyone handles things differently. Some people think that if they don't talk about it or look at you, it is like it doesn't exist. HA HA Others try to console you with, "I know how you feel, I am so tired too". However, mostly they just disappear. They stop calling and coming around. I mean who wants to be around a sick person all the time. Hell, I know I sure as the hell don't. OH, wait, that sick person is me. Oops! I have tried leaving her somewhere, actually a few places. I tried to leave her in the hospital a couple of times, but she followed me, another time I tried to leave her under my bed (she did not like that at all), and I have even tried leaving her in other states. I know.. you think she would like a change of scenery. Ungrateful bitch!! She still holds onto me and so tightly. Every so often she teases me and must take a nap or relax a bit too much and I seem to feel OK for a couple of hours. I usually try not to get my hopes up, but sometimes I do. And those times, I end up doing to much, or at least trying to do to much, and then she shows up with full vengeance and I wish I would have done nothing. Because now, you see now, I feel like I have gone to HELL and back and been run over a couple of times. Talk about feeling like crap.. that is just the beginning. See and the thing that is the strangest out of all of this. . . you see I look just fine.

Sure I have changed over the years since I have had "her" with me. I guess if you hadn't known me you wouldn't see any difference. But I do and so does she and she reminds me of it daily. To anyone on the street I look like an average healthy person. I walk (without help most of the times), I am usually always smiling and always making jokes and smart ass comments. I try to always make sure that I have my hair and make up done when I go out in public. I think that it makes me feel a bit better about myself (OK... at least sometimes it does). If I am having bad days I do use my handicap placard to park. Gotta love those stares from people that see you getting out of the car and see me and think I must be using someone else's placard. It used to upset me, but I just smile at them now. If you were to talk to me depending on how bad or good of a day I was having you might notice it also. I used to be such the talker. Now, I try not to talk as much, because I have difficulties finding words and at times stutter. My short term memory is just about gone. So if you are someone close to me you might notice this, but if you are just someone I barely come in contact with you might just think that I have a speech problem or might even be drunk. I have had people think that as well, because I don't walk so steady and because of my speech problems. Like I said, I do my best to always smile and joke around. Unfortunately I think that gives alot of people the wrong idea about me. You know, if I am smiling and joking, I CAN'T be sick, right? I have always been this way. It is just me.

And yet she still says with me. She has decided to reside here permanently it looks like. For the most part she is nice, she is rather heavy (40 lbs or so) to carry around all the time with me. She is very emotional and gets overwhelmed easily. I am still getting used to that. I am not sure if I ever will.

People ask me if she will ever leave (if I will be cured). I would love to say Yes, and the date that she is leaving is Aug 30. 2009. :) Like I said, she has taken up permanent residence with me and I still battle getting used to her ways. You have to remember I was born an only child. This is all still new to me, even though she has been with me for 14 years now. It still seems surreal to say that she has been with me for 14 years, but see she never really bothered me until the last 2 years. Previously she had always been a pretty good roommate, once in awhile she would act up, but for the most part she kept to herself. I had always been able to go to school, work, go out and do things and do errands on weekends and not get sick. Not anymore, at least not in the last 2 years or so.

OK.. so maybe I am not alone because she actually resides within me... but let me tell you I sure the hell FEEL alone.

1 comment:

  1. Tammy, have been reading all of your blogs
    ...and I do know you VERY well, maybe even better than the one who resides within you?
    You are correct as far as PEOPLE don't know
    when one is ill.. if they don't know you ,can't see "ANYthing" wrong?? It's good for them because obviously they have been LUCKY to not ever have an illness or anyone they know either so they do NOT know the ways..hurt.. others' are feeling.. going through ..so keep your..SMILE,LAUGH,COMMENTS..cause that's how you get through each day..don't worry what others' feel...think or say...YOU KEEP GOING LIKE YOU CAN and HAVE !! ..YOU WILL have BETTER DAYS'..everyone you know cares' about you and is PRAYING for you and we all know how powerful that is..KEEP the FAITH !! I PRAY EVERY DAY.....