5.16.2010

Help. . .no thanks I'll just do it myself.

Asking for help is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I am pretty sure I would rather go to the OB/GYN or the dentist then to have to ask for help. I think it has something to do with the way I was raised. We always just took care of things ourselves, ya know? I mean there is nothing wrong with asking for help; in fact I think it is great if you can do it, it is just not one of my stronger points.


I am one of those people that if I know someone who may need something and I know what it is; I will either just do it or get it for them. I am not the type to say, “If you need anything let me know” or “If there is anything I can do let me know” and leave it at that. I will tell them that just to let them know I am here, but at the same time if I know what it is that I can do, I will do my best to just do it. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. Course then again, that is just my opinion.


I am used to just taking care of things myself. I have done it most of my life and probably will continue to do so. Sometimes it is just easier that way. I don’t like to have to count /depend on anyone or feel indebted to anyone like I “owe” them. It is hard enough to have to ask for help and then afterwards have to hear how “I owe them”. No thank you! I will handle it on my own, and pay for it later, I guess! Pay for it later, I mean sometimes with my health and all, it takes more energy then I have, so I end up hurting or having no energy for too many days. I just have to deal with it though.


One of my Doctors has been trying to convince me that I need to learn how to ask for help. I mean it is a good thought and all and I get what she means, but it is a lot harder than what it sounds. She told me that I need to let people in and give them a chance to help me. I can’t expect everyone to “help” or offer help the way I would/do. I explained to her that I was well aware of that, because most people just don’t do that! The way I look at it is if my close family/friends don’t know how I am by now, they never will. Sometimes when you ask for help it ends up being more work than it is worth, know what I mean?


Here are some examples and these are just fairly recent ones:


• Awhile back I needed a ride to/from a doctor appointment. I asked a friend and she had said it was no problem at all. However every day the week before she called to ask what time it was that she had to take me to the appointment. Then she still came late and it was like she had to fit me into her schedule. When originally it was her day off and she had nothing planned. Now it was like she had all of these other things she had to do and I was lucky that she was able to help me out. (A great example of why I don’t ask for help)



• My mom has been rather sick and cannot be left alone. Yet there never seems to be anyone around that can hang out with her for a couple of hours at a time so that I can go grocery shopping or to one of my doctor appointments. I am not asking for someone to stay with her for 8 hours. I am not asking for someone to do a lot for her. They basically need to be here, in case she needs anything (I would already have snacks, etc ready) and to make sure she does not get up and walk or sit with legs hanging down. Even though when this all first happened it would be no problem at all, now they are all nowhere to be found.

• The most recent incident is that I have a doctor appointment coming up that is actually about an hour away. So NOT looking forward to this appointment. I know that with my current condition I would not be OK to drive there, have the 3 hour appointment and then drive home. So I needed someone to drive me. I actually did what my doctor said. I took a deep breath (almost forgot to let it out and take another one) sucked it up and asked someone for help. It was the hardest thing ever. Yup, you guessed it… was told NO. That is the last time I will be asking for help. (Another great example of why I don’t ask for help)

• Or if you need something from the store and they offer to go. You give them the list and the money. Not only do they not get what you asked for but they bought stuff at such an expensive price you are wondering what were they thinking?? You know they wouldn't have spent that kind of money on that, and you know they know you wouldn't have either, especially since you wrote it on the note. So sometimes it is just better to do it yourself.

Please, please, please don't think that I am not appreciative, because I am, but like I said, sometimes it is just easier to do it yourself.  I just think that if someone doesn't really want to help, don't even offer. 


Then on the other hand, we have a very dear friend of my father's who still looks in on us.  He helps without asking.  He will take out our trash cans or bring them.  He doesn't do it every week, but if he knows I have been having a rough week, he seems to always make sure they are taken care of.  • Awhile back I needed a ride to/from a doctor appointment. I asked a friend and she had said it was no problem at all. However every day the week before she called to ask what time it was that she had to take me to the appointment. Then she still came late and it was like she had to fit me into her schedule. When originally it was her day off and she had nothing planned. Now it was like she had all of these other things she had to do and I was lucky that she was able to help me out. (A great example of why I don’t ask for help)Asking for help is really difficult for me, and it seems that when I finally do it doesn’t really work out for me. I am sure you can see why I feel the way I do and why I basically feel it is just better to do it myself.  So most of the time, I figure it out so that I can do it by myself and not have to bother anyone else, but on those rare occasions that someone does come through, it is so nice and such a pleasant surprise. 

I hope this makes you think twice about helping someone out and not just "offering".


• My mom has been rather sick and cannot be left alone. Yet there never seems to be anyone around that can hang out with her for a couple of hours at a time so that I can go grocery shopping or to one of my doctor appointments. I am not asking for someone to stay with her for 8 hours. I am not asking for someone to do a lot for her. They basically need to be here, in case she needs anything (I would already have snacks, etc ready) and to make sure she does not get up and walk or sit with legs hanging down. Even though when this all first happened it would be no problem at all, now they are all nowhere to be found.

• The most recent incident is that I have a doctor appointment coming up that is actually about an hour away. So NOT looking forward to this appointment. I know that with my current condition I would not be ok to drive there, have the 3 hour appointment and then drive home. So I needed someone to drive me. I actually did what my doctor said. I took a deep breath (almost forgot to let it out and take another one) sucked it up and asked someone for help. It was the hardest thing ever. Yup, you guessed it… was told NO. That is the last time I will be asking for help. (Another great example of why I don’t ask for help)

• Or if you need something from the store. They offer to go. You give them the list and the money. Not only do they not get what you asked for but they bought stuff at such an expensive price you are wondering what were they thinking?? You know they wouldn't have spent that kind of money on that, and you know they know you wouldn't have either, especially since you wrote it on the note and all. So sometimes it is just better to do it yourself.

On the other hand we have a very dear friend of my father's who still looks in on us.  He will take the trash cans in /out.  Not every week, but if he knows I am having a rough week, he always seems to make sure they are taken care of.    He will pull out the weeds, or spray bug spray or bring our newspaper and put it on the porch. He calls to check on us just to see how "the girls" are doing.  It is the little things like that, that are nice. He doesn't have to, but he does.  He always offers and always does.  He done errands for us and thought nothing of it and never made us feel like we "owed" him anything.  That is nice.
See in my mind if you know someone that is in need of something, be it a material object, or a service and you can actually provide it, then why not just do it? I mean wouldn’t you want or hope that it would be returned to you someday? I guess that is just me. I think nothing of those types of things, even when I am “overextended” myself. I have given people rides to work b/c there car has “died” and thought nothing of it. I have gone with people or taken them to doctor appointments so that they wouldn’t have to go by themselves drive themselves. I will check in on people’s animals without them asking me to if I know that is something they would appreciate.

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