I walk among you

I walk among you. I blend in easily and no one knows any different… except for me. I look like everyone else, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes. No outside deformities. I don’t walk with a limp, or need to use a cane, walker or wheelchair (at least not yet). I wear no braces or casts. I have no burns, scars or malformations that make me stand out. Like I said to look at me… I look like you or the person next to you. But what about on the inside?

Just because a person “looks” ok on the outside doesn’t necessarily mean the person is. To the average person it does, but to the person that suffers from “invisible illnesses” it is an entirely different story. I sometimes think maybe I should wear a sign that lets people know that I am not 100% but then most of the time I am the one that doesn’t want people to know that I am not 100% in the first damn place! It is a catch 22, I tell ya.

I have a handicap placard. I use it when I need to. I use it on those days when I know I can’t do those extra steps. It took me a long time to come to terms with first getting it, having it and then actually using it! It may sound strange, but I still have problems using it. Like I said, for the most part I look "OK", so when people see a 38 yr old get out of a SUV and she doesn’t get into a wheelchair or use a cane or walker, the looks come tenfold! It used to bother me a lot more than it does now; now I just flash them a really big smile. If they say anything, then I do tend to open my big mouth. I just can’t help myself sometimes.

Since I do walk among you and seem to "fit” in no one knows that inside I am exhausted. I am forcing myself to take the steps that I am taking, I am pushing myself to finish my task, pushing myself to make it back to my car before I collapse in front of anyone (God forbid). I try not to have to hold anything so that anyone can see how my hands tremble and shake. It seems as the time goes on they are getting worse. My tremors are growing increasingly worse and they are now taking over more and more of my body, not just my hands. It started out just my right hand, not that way anymore.

If I need to talk I plan my words carefully so that I can hopefully be able to have them all in my mind and not have a problem so I can’t find my words and be stuck wordless. Now that is complete humility. Everyone seems to make “jokes” about forgetting a word or “we all lose track of what we are saying”, when in reality I have a real issue with this. Not only can I not find my words, but sometimes even if you say the word I was looking for, for some reason I can’t get it out. For nothing in this damn world. . It is almost like I am stuttering but I am not. I used to be such a gabber too, not so much anymore.

Just because everyone looks “ok” does not mean there isn’t something more going on. Just because you don’t need a cane, walker, or wheelchair doesn’t mean you might not need assistance for something. As much as I hate to ask for help, sometimes if you just stop and take a look you might be able to see the signs yourself. Just a thought you might want to entertain.

I walk among you. I see you for who you are. But do you see me?


The Bounty Hunter ~ movie review

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler star in this comedy that keeps you laughing and interested throughout the movie. I am really not sure why this movie didn’t do better at the box office. It was full of action (and not the kind that was so unreal you kept saying to yourself, oh yeah right like that could ever happen!! I mean I hate those movies.), humor and a bit of “who done it”. There wasn’t a lot of cussing (now that I think about it) and really there was no sex…oh now I know why it didn’t do well at the box office. DUH!! Funny how sometimes it takes a moment for you to hear what you are saying before you realize OH!! Now that I have that figured out, I feel so much better.

I found it to be a very cute, fun movie to watch. It takes place in the NY /NJ area. Gerard plays a cop turned Bounty Hunter while his (ex) wife, Jennifer plays a Daily News reporter who happens to skip bail on accident. So without giving too much away the chase is on. Of course there is more to the plot but I don’t want to spoil it for ya!!




No no not that kind of Spam! Although to be truthful when I do hear the word Spam that is the first thing that comes to mind. I have never really liked that stuff, do you? I hear it is a big thing in Hawaii, however any of the times I was over there; I don’t ever remember seeing it on any menus, but maybe because I wasn’t really looking for it. However, growing up, I remember it being a staple in our home, because my father grew up on it. He loved the stuff (while I would silently gag). I can remember opening the can and seeing the meat and all that jelly stuff and then it would happen… gagging almost to the point of no return! I know awful huh? I just couldn’t control it. I could make it for him but I couldn’t eat it. UCK!! It still makes my stomach a little queasy. I could never get over the site of the meat with all that gel/jelly stuff. (Gagging)

Geesh…almost got off of the topic. It is a good thing I don’t do that, just think of how crazy this post could have ended up being. Good thing I always stay on track.

My thought process was Spam… Spammers… WTF! Do you guys have any issues with this stuff? I mean I am sure you get tons of spam email. But I am talking about on your blog. I seem to have gotten a following from the Chinese. I don’t have a problem with that at all… but could you please write it in ENGLISH? Could you please write at least something? I get these comments and either they are blank or their comments are written in Chinese or there are just a bunch of symbols. You can’t possibly tell me that they are actually reading my blog. I mean I guess you could tell me they are reading my blog, but I don’t think I would believe you. I know that I can go in and delete the comments, which I do. I am just kind of curious as to how they found my blog. Why would they want to “spam” my blog with these strange comments or symbol? I guess I was just wondering if you get that type of spam and what do you do?


WHIP IT ~ another movie review

Have you heard of this movie? I don’t even remember seeing this movie advertised. Then again, don’t quote me on that either. The last time we watched a Netflix movie one of the movies it advertised was Whip It. It caught my eye, and I put it in the queue. So glad I did.

This movie was directed by Drew Barrymore. I don’t know about you, but I have always liked her. She is full of piss and vinegar and very smart. She also played a part in this movie. This movie is about a young girl trying to find her way and in that process falls in love with Roller Derby. Maybe I found it to be so much fun because I have always (secretly) wanted to be a Roller Derby Chic! Ha ha… I know get your laughs out now. Could you imagine me on the track? To think years ago, I practically lived at the rink. I loved it and thought I would always skate. Ok... back to the movie.

The main character is played by Ellen Page; she became big after her role in Juno (I am assuming you all have seen this one, if not… watch it!). She was also in another movie, Homeless to Harvard. If you like true stories, this a great one. Although she does not play the main character, it still is a great movie.

There are actually a lot of well known people in this flick. Drew Barrymore, Ellen Page, Marcia Gay Harden, Juliette Lewis, Eve, and Jimmy Fallon are all in this movie. Jimmy is almost unrecognizable. He has one of those voices that you can place anywhere and since he is the announcer at the derby, he makes his character well known. I have always gotten a chuckle out of the great “names” that the derby girls have, and in this movie they are just as good.

This movie is almost a coming of age for a young 17 yr old girl and her family as well. This is placed in the south with all of the traditional “southern belle” expectations and Bliss (the main character) throws that all out the window and she does it so wonderfully.

Hope you get a chance to watch this movie as well. Would love to hear what you think of it as well.


PUMP me up or S-T-R-E-T-C-H me out

I was flipping through a catalog and came across this. They call it Neck Magic Air Cushion

Are you kidding me? I mean I suffer from headaches and migraines. I have tried a never ending list of suggestions to help with them. I think I am pretty open to trying new things especially if it will mean that it will relieve my pain.  But come one, are you serious???

“Ease tension headaches and pinched nerves” that is what it claims to do. Did you see that picture? It looks like some ancient torture contraption. I want to know who in their right minds signed up to “try” this out so that it would be approved to be sold in the good ole USA.


Crazy Heart sadly disappointed me

Truthfully I don’t even remember when this movie was out in the theatres. But when the awards came around this movie was all the talk. I like the actors that were in this movie. There was Jeff Bridges, who won for Best Actor, Robert Duvall, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Colin Farrell. After all of the hoopla, I checked it out and thought it would be a pretty good watch. I mean I like country music (yes I am one of “those” people) and it seemed like a good story with great actors.

OK so am I only the one that didn’t find this movie to be one of the best movies of this year? Oh wait, no, my mother didn’t either, she counts right?

The movie started out very slow and I kept thinking it was going to pick up and start getting interesting…it never happened. Granted there were some good parts but they were small and very few and far between. You basically could tell what was going to happen before it did. There wasn’t much excitement or thrill in this movie. The ending was even more disappointing.

I am glad I didn’t waste the money on seeing it in the theatres. However, to me it was still a waste of my time to watch it.

Have you seen the movie? What were your thoughts on it?



It seems that all you hear lately is talk about Twilight and Vampires. I guess with the release of the latest Twilight movie I can understand the fascination. But of course this got me thinking about Vampires and all. They make it out like all of them are horrible people. I know they are not. I am sure everyone knows at least one Vampire if not more.

We know a few, but are really good friends with one. Her name is Bonita. She looks like any of us do. She is even married with 3 beautiful children. Her husband works and her children all go to school/college. She owns a nice home and drives a minivan. She enjoys shopping and getting out and doing things. She is very warm and inviting. She is smart and comedic. She comes to our house at least once a week and sometimes more. It never seems like we have enough time with her. The time always flies by so fast when she is here.

Her need for blood is not a problem for us. She has been open about this “need” from the beginning. I am sure you don’t mind doing things for your friends, right? I mean the way we look at it we are friends and she does things for us. Friendship is a give and take kind of thing anyway.

I am sure you all are dying to see what she looks like. I have feeling you are thinking that you just can’t imagine that you would know a ”Vampire”.

Ok...so maybe I left out that she is actually a phlebotomist!  But to me in my mind, that is just like a Vampire. I mean that is what I call them.  What do you call them?


Can you point me to the exchange department please?

I was the strange kid that always said I knew (in a roundabout way) ahead of time what my life was going to be like. I have always felt known that I picked my family. I know that may sound strange to some of you… but it is true. Truth be told I honestly don’t remember it to be exactly like this. I am guessing I must have forgotten some things or pushed the not so fun filled thoughts out of my mind. I remember picking my parents out, and knowing that I would have some sort of illness, but not to this degree.

So I am here asking if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction to the exchange dept. Heck I would be thrilled with a Pick-A-Part . Don’t get me wrong I would never trade my parents (not to say they have never driven me up a wall at times), but this whole health issue for both my mom and I … well I am pretty over it.

My mom is 63 and I am in my 30’s (cough cough), 38, so I think we have dealt with all of our health issues long enough. I would love to say that we would like to be overhauled completely, but I am pretty sure they are not doing that as of yet. However, if you happen to know of a place that is, by all means do let me know! I am hoping that will happen soon, at least in my lifetime.

I am not looking for cosmetic procedures; I am looking for necessary procedures.

Like for Mom – It would be great if both of her knees could get back to working order to where there are no complications anymore, along with her back. Even better, have her lungs back at 100% or at least 80% and then she wouldn’t need the oxygen. While we are there, can we fix all of her innards that seem to be bothering her too? I mean if we are going to do this, we might as well do it right. So let’s just get all new ones, better safe than sorry. Last but certainly not least, is there any way we can take all of her pain away? Now that would be AWESOME.

For Me- I would ask for no pain as well. I would ask to have my balance back and no more tremors. Most of all, I would ask for a new brain (no more migraines that last weeks at a time, my memory and speech to be back to the way it was before my illness). A new stomach so I don’t end up sick every other day and unable to leave the house, because let me tell you that is always so much fun (NOT!). A new heart would be good, since I have already had a heart attack. Oh... I know what about new skin, I always loved being able to be in the sun. Now I can’t even drive in my car without 55 SPF and I still get sunburned. I am not asking to be able to go back to my high school days and be the sun goddess I was, just so that I can walk from my door to my mailbox and not get fried, that would be nice.

At times I think I would love to trade my life… but realistically I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t gone through everything I had. It still makes the whole “illness” and “sick” thing get old. No matter how I look at it and try and deal with it, it just does.

For now, I will stick it out, because that is what I do. I will keep my eyes open for the Pick –a-Part of body organs/limbs and hopefully I will luck out!!


Ran out of steam

I had to do a few errands today. I was feeling “ok”. For some reason for the last few days my tremors have been pretty bad, especially my right side. It has been hard for me to write or hold almost anything. My writing and signature is practically non-existent. It seems that I after I do one or two things I am so darn week. What is up with that? Whatever it is, I DON’T like it.

I didn’t go nuts with doing my hair and make-up because I knew that would have drained me. I was ok but I knew I was running on reserves. I got ready and off I went. I needed to go to the Cat Dr. to pick up food for my cat, Chip, then to the pharmacy to pick up meds for mom and finally I wanted to run into pick up a few things at the grocery store. It was rather warm out today (100 degrees) so I knew that would affect me as well. Trust me I have a/c in my vehicle and I am NOT afraid to use it.

These places are all pretty close in distance. I could feel that with each stop I was getting weaker. At the pharmacy and the grocery store my shakes were so bad I felt like the cashiers were staring at me like I was a drugee that needed a fix. I hate that.

As I am in the grocery store, I haven’t even finished and I am really having a hard time. My shakes are increasing, I am getting hot, flushed, and weak and my body pain is starting to go through the roof. What is going on here? This shouldn’t be happening. I should be able to do all of this and more with no problem. Right? Right? (You are agreeing with me here, right???) I actually had to stop several times throughout the grocery store and take breaks to rest so that I could continue. I felt like the shopping trip took me all day. Granted it didn’t but I felt like I was there for a week. I swear I saw shift change while I was there. I checked out and had to ask for help. I knew there was just no way in HELL I was going to be able to push this cart to my car and then load it into my car. Isn’t that horrible? No you say, because I wasn’t feeling well or because I have an illness. I am still having a hard time with this. Thank God I don’t like far from the store.

I arrived home and now I needed to bring the groceries in. I don’t have a long driveway but when you don’t feel well it seems like a runway! I have a red wagon that I use to load up the groceries and take them to the door. Then I have to bring them up 5 stairs to get into the house. I had about a million 3 trips to get everything inside. I put all of the cold things away. I changed into something comfortable and I just had to rest. I lay down collapsed on the couch and literally could NOT MOVE. I was there for an hour and was wondering when I would be able to move.

I knew I had to move when Tee-Tee was staring at me like she was starving to death and if I didn’t feed her right then she might pass out, and Chip was meowing so loudly I am pretty sure you all heard him. So I proceeded to drag my ass off of the couch and fix them dinner and then us dinner as well.

So it hit me while I was in the grocery store that I am really going through a bad flare. I can’t even do a full grocery shopping trip without just about killing myself. I keep telling myself this is just temporary. I am hoping this temporary is going to be done with real soon.



Happy 4th of July




it's a

by Shel Silverstein



What’s in an apology?

I am sorry… really? I wonder if people really know how to apologize correctly. I never really gave that much thought about it before but lately I have.

So I decided to look it up in the dictionary and see what it had to say.

In the Webster’s Dictionary:
Main Entry: apol•o•gy
Pronunciation: \ə-ˈpä-lə-jē\
Function: noun
Date: 1533

1 a: a formal justification: DEFENSE b: EXCUSE 2a
2: an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret a public apology
3: a poor substitute: MAKESHIFT

Synonyms APOLOGY, APOLOGIA, EXCUSE, PLEA, PRETEXT, ALIBI mean matter offered in explanation or defense. APOLOGY usually applies to an expression of regret for a mistake or wrong with implied admission of guilt or fault and with or without reference to mitigating or extenuating circumstances said by way of apology that he would have met them if he could.

I don’t know about you but if I am going to apologize I am going to say it like I mean it. I am going to apologize and not make an excuse after the fact that will make it ok for what I have done. That is NOT an APOLOGY.

For example:

He says: I am sorry for what I said, but I really want you to know that you still are over reacting to this whole situation.

That is not an apology. That is saying you are sorry because you feel you should or need to smooth things over but you are still letting the other person that they did something wrong too (whether or not they did).

He says: I am sorry that you feel that way.

Again not a true apology. I call this one my psych apology. I learned this one many years ago. This you say to someone to diffuse the situation and it makes it seem as if you are apologizing but in reality you are simply telling them that you feel bad for the way they feel, but not for what you did to make them feel that way. It is a sneaky way to get around an apology. Depending on the situation this one does come in handy and does work rather well.

I started thinking about this for 2 reasons, 1) I have a habit (a bad one I am told) that I say “I am sorry” all of the time. I guess I do. I apologize for everything and anything (so I am told). I apologize when I am sick, when someone else is sick, when something goes wrong that I have NOTHING to do with, when it is too hot, or too cold (get the idea?) 2) a friend of mine really hurt and upset me yesterday and today when we spoke the apology that was given was NOT an apology. I was like REALLY? This is it? Although I know for a fact that that person does not read my blog (that is whole other story) so I know that this won’t end up as a “hint”. LOL

The next time you need to apologize for something that you truly do mean, I hope you make it as sincere as possible, if not, the other person can tell trust me on that one. And if you are going to apologize just too smooth things over make sure you use the “psych apology”.

How do you apologize or do you?

Do you apologize for everything like I do?


Movie review - Old Dogs

I belong to Netflix because let’s face it; I hardly ever get to see a movie in the theatre. I am ok with that, well I mean kind of anyway. Truth be told I do believe it is highway robbery what they charge to see a movie in the theatre now. I mean matinee is a cheap (note the sarcasm in my voice) $9.50 and after that it goes up to $11.00 (Sun-Thurs) and $11.50 (Fri & Sat). Because don’t you know if they didn’t raise it that 50 cents they would probably go out of business. Ok... sorry about that… started getting off on another subject… and we all know how I never (cough cough) do that.

Ok... so we put Old Dogs in the queue and when it arrived we were pleasantly surprised. They say laughter is the best medicine. The rating scale on Netflix is a 5 star scale, and I would gladly give it a 10. I don’t understand why it didn’t have more press. It was a REALLY GOOD MOVIE. It had great actors. I mean come, John Travolta, right there that should tell ya something, I mean right? If you don’t like yourself some John, that what are you thinking? Then there was Robin Williams and he is always funny, and with this being a family movie he wasn’t all vulgar (you know like I can be sometimes). Kelly Preston, Rita Wilson, Matt Dillon and Seth Green are just a few more of the well known actors that are in this great movie.

Needless to say we laughed so hard that at times we had to pause it as I was afraid my mom was going to have issues with her breathing. She is on oxygen 24/7. But it was such a good laugh. We laughed till we cried, till we were blue in the face (sorry not pics of that one!).  We laughed until it hurt, but this time it was good hurt! This is one of those movies that I would definitely spend the money and even at full price to purchase to have in my collection to be able to watch again and to share with others.

They did an excellent job on this movie. I cannot say enough nice things about this. I believe it was not given enough press or media as it should have done so much better in the theatres and awards.

If you haven’t already seen it for yourself, here is a clip. I hope after seeing this it will make you want to at least rent it to check it out. Let me know what your rating is.