5.29.2009

Please, Thank you, Your welcome, Sorry. . .

Does anyone use these nice little words anymore? I wonder. I thought these words were used among any and all languages - you know a universal saying. Please, Thank you, Your Welcome, Sorry... I thought that everyone knew those words. I have come to the conclusion that although everyone may know these words they just don't use them anymore. This saddens me terribly.

I can't even blame it on the "young" ones either! I was raised to use all of those words, then and now. However, it seems I hear those words less often then not. What happened to people saying Sorry or Thank you or your welcome or Please? Is it out of style? Is it no longer cool? Is this form of etiquette not taught any longer by parents and /or school?

I couldn't imagine not saying sorry to someone if I knew that I might have hurt or upset them. I couldn't imagine not saying Thank you for something. I couldn't imagine not saying Please. And yet I hardly hear these words anymore. Are you experiencing this as well? How do we fix this? Does this bother you as well?

OK.. I could go on ... but I will step off of my soap box.. because if I don't I am afraid I might go into detail as to why I got started. There are 2 instances that recently happened that has really bothered me.. but like I said.. I will be nice this time (ha ha) and step down from the soap box.

I am not saying I won't come back to this one though!!!

5.25.2009

Past lives??? Do you know who you were in another life?

Do you believe in reincarnation? Do you believe that you might have been on earth before? Maybe as a person or an animal or maybe even a bug (yuck!). It seems that no matter who I talk to about this subject everyone has a totally completely different point of view on this. I really enjoy hearing what others have to say... you never know what their opinion is going to be or what their "backup" might be if any.

I believe in reincarnation. I believe in past lives. I know what some of my previous lives were.

I know a pretty big statement, eh? Well, I do. I am catholic, a liberal one at that! I was fortunate enough to meet a hypnotherapist that also is known for past life regressions. I read his book and contacted him to see if I could have an appt. This was years ago. It was a great experience. I learned alot in that 2 hour session. Now, whether or not you believe any of it.. is completely up to you.. but I remember it as if it was yesterday and have it all on tape!

I was able to see that although we die here on earth, our spirits live on. The spirits go to heaven and after some time (it varies for everyone) it is either decided what life you will be in next or sometimes you may have the chance to pick what you would like. I also learned that the people on earth that we see that are "bad"people (aka convicts, rapists, etc) and seriously sick (children suffering with cancer or other people with illnesses for most of their lifetime) people are most likely paying for something they have done in a past life. I know it may sound strange but it is true. It is somewhat difficult to grasp, but maybe that is what gets me through at times. For instance, if someone was previously on earth and mistreated people, they might came back in another lifetime and be on the receiving end of that or maybe be a sick person.

I have always told my parents that I chose them. I always felt that and knew that in my heart, way before I ever had the past life regression. The regression just confirmed it. I also found out from the regression that I was going to be "sick" in this lifetime. I was ok with that.. then again at the time, I guess I figured that what it meant was I would be sick but it would be something that was curable.. ya know? Funny how things turn out, eh?

So, I have been sick since 1994. Granted that is not my entire life.. but it has been quite a while. It hasn't gotten better, but has just gone downhill. So of course, I wonder, if I am truly paying for something I did in another life. When I did the past life regression, because I was so young, I was only able to see 2 of my lives. I am not sure if that is all I have had or if there has been more. I had a great life in the first one that I saw, and my second life, I felt I basically paid for my mistakes that I made in my first life. So this one... I am still wondering...

It makes me wonder... am I paying for something I did in another life? If so, what did I do? I sure hope it wasn't something horrible! I truly believe that we are all suppose to learn something while we are here on earth.. so does that mean that I am so freaking hard headed that I am not getting the lesson that I suppose to get? If that is the case.. Jesus! God help me.. because I have more problems on my hands then just being sick!! I mean wouldn't you think so too? LOL

I don't remember when I picked this life, that I was suppose to be this sick in this lifetime! I wonder if I knew that if I would have still picked this life... I know the answer - I would have, no doubts. I wanted this life.. like I said earlier I chose my parents. There are somethings you would never change.. even if you know some of the negative things that might come with it.

So I continue to pray... continue to research my illnesses... continue to do my best to think positive... continue to trudge forward in my treatment plan.

So... I wonder what I will be in my next life... I know I joke and say I want to come back as some executive that sits in a great office and comes up with the names of nail polishes. Have you ever noticed how out of this world those names are? LOL

So...what do you want to be in your next life??

5.22.2009

A Burst of Energy!!

A much welcomed burst of energy visited me today. It was so wonderful, it was so exciting. I was so happy. I had a smile on my face from ear to ear.

Mom had a physical therapy appointment that I took her to. While she was in having her treatment I sat in the waiting room (as usual) and waited. I was lucky enough to get a great phone call from a good friend of mine from work, Vero! She recently moved to GA, so it was great to hear from her. She always makes me laugh. She is almost always full of piss and vinegar. Then again, she is still young so she should be, right? LMAO

After mom's therapy we went to Chili's to get a bite to eat. I have been getting my migraines again lately and had had one since the a.m. When we were done eating I needed to run into the grocery story to pick up a couple of things. By this time, my migraine was getting worse. So I decided I would take 1 pain pill. Lately it seems that if my pain pills are going to help at all, I need to take 1 1/2 to 2 at a time. I really don't like taking them but I will if the pain gets too bad. So before running into Albertsons to get a couple of things I took a pain pill and went in to the store. Moments later I return with more than a couple of things, because it seems that is something I just do now. I don't know why, but it just seems to happen that way. Does that happen to you? I mean it is not like I buy things we are not going to use or will go to waste, it just might not have been on the list for this run. OH! By the way, Albertson's has cut almost all of their prices.. so things are priced really good!! In case you are wondering! Hee hee

By the time I come out, I notice I am feeling pretty good. It takes me a short while to realize that I don't have any pain, not just in my head, but my body as well. Hmmm... and did I mention I have energy? Oh wait.. not just energy but a freakin' BURST of ENERGY.

Yes.. that is right.. I am freakin' elated. Although I am sitting in my car... I swear I could be jumping for joy. It feels so great. In the past there have been times when my pain pills will give me some energy but not like I am right now. Woo-hoo or is that woot!! woot!! ;)

So we come home, and I proceed to bring in the groceries and put them away. So far so good.. no pain and not tired. I bring in the trash cans b/c it was trash day. Still good. I feel as if I have so much energy I could keep going for days. OK.. maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but I can have wishful thinking right? I proceed to do a few other things around the house. I picked up poo in the back yard (I know y'all wanted to hear that, huh?), and watered the trees in the back yard. I promised Tee-Tee (my dog) that I would take her for a short walk. I didn't want to go too long b/c I wanted to be able to come home and still have some of this great energy. I wanted to get some things done while I still had some energy.

So we went for a short walk and by the time I got back to the house... I was DONE. You would have thought I ran a marathon - twice and been up straight for 2 days. NOT!!

So much for my Burst of Energy. Oh well.. It was short lived but well loved. I look forward to it visiting me again sometime soon, hopefully.

5.18.2009

Closed minds... something I just don't get.

I was raised to have an open mind, not just when I felt like it, but all the time. I believe that everyone has different opinions and thoughts and that is one thing that makes the world go round. It is yet another reason that makes us so unique, so much more interesting.. to be open minded.

The name of my blog is My Mouth Overloaded my Ass. Anyone that knows me, knows that is just me. That is the way I talk. Yes, I curse. Do I curse too much? It depends who you ask, I guess. :) I try to watch how much I curse and not go overboard. I do not curse in front of children but otherwise I am an adult and I do curse at times. However, I do not feel that it makes me a bad person. Just something else that makes me who I am.

So I have a half sister from my father. She is extremely religious. And truthfully that is an understatement. Although I don't always agree with her views and the way she deals with situations, I know that is what makes her who she is. I do not try and change that. I do try and get her to see other points of views, because she does seem to have a problem with that. Although she will tell you no, she only knows one way.. her way.. which is all biblical.

I sent an email to her (Tina) letting her know that I now have a blog. Her first response was that she was offended by the first few words. I actually had to stop and think what was it that offended her. My first thought, was that I wrote about Jacob.. but then I realized it was the name of my blog. ASS to be exact. She was flippin' offended by ass. You have got to be kidding me. I mean seriously??? She acts as if she is holier than though. She acts as if she has never said a curse word in her life. I know that is NOT true. This hurt me but I let it go. It amazes me that someone can get that upset over 1 word and yet not "see" past that.

I recently wrote a blog about our dad. It has been a year since he passed and so I sent her an email letting her know about the blog. When I emailed her, I talked about other stuff and then told her that if she can get past the "name of the blog" that she might want to read the blog about dad. I sent her the link to only that blog so that she wouldn't have to bother with anything else. So... I was really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Give her a chance. I figured that way she would only have to read the one blog and not have to look around to find the one on dad and by chance see any other cursing that I may have said in my other blogs. I tried to make it as easy and safe as possible for her.

I received an email back telling me that she can get past the name, but she just has to make sure the kids are not around. OK.. seriously? Her children are 18, 15, 13 & 11 and are you going to tell me they have never heard a curse word? I know they live a sheltered life.. but come on. This really got me. Obviously it had to if I am blogging about the darn thing.

As you can see, I am not worried about her reading it, because I know in all of it's reality she won't ever read any of the blogs. Then again if she would happen to find her way to this one, maybe, just maybe she would see the light. You think?

5.13.2009

Reality smacked me right in the face

I had an appointment to have a phone interview today. This was with my disability insurances and the state disability.

I figured that most of the questions were going to be about my physical ability. You know, how much weight can you lift? How far can you walk without taking a break? Can you still take care of yourself or do you need assistance? I got those questions, but those were the easy ones. They were so simple. The first few he asked me what my typical day was like, besides non eventful, I went through my day blow by blow for him.

Then he asked me if I had any speech problems. At first I answered yes, but informed him that I am unable to find words and when that happens, I can't talk. It is similar to stuttering but not. He then asked how often that happens, and after I thought about it, I realized it happens several times a day. There are times that I can't find the word that I am looking for and it stops me from completing my sentence or my thoughts. Sometimes it stops me from talking all together. I especially don't like talking around a new group of people that I don't know.. hell I don't like talking that much anymore, and we all know I was the one that was always talking and being the smart ass. I don't do that very much anymore.

Q: Do you have any concentration problems?
A: Yes, I am unable to focus on more then 1 thing at a time. I cannot have any distractions or I am unable to do what I need to do.

Q: Are you able to multi task?
A: I realized, that I can't do that anymore. I used to be the one in the office that could be on the phone, iming someone, have some one at my desk and be checking something on the computer.. and now, I can only do 1 thing and then I have to really concentrate on that 1 task at hand.

Q: How is your memory?
A: My long term memory is still OK, my short term memory... is gone. I was the one that was able to recall everything.. moment by moment and now I can barely remember what happened a matter of hours ago.

Q: Is there anything that you notice about yourself that has changed (mood wise, emotionally wise)?
A: I get overwhelmed really easily. Crowds never bothered me before and now they overwhelm me. I get almost out of breath, it reminds me of a panic attack.

Q: What things can you not do now socially that you could do before you got ill?
A: Too many things. Now if I do anything I pay for it for 2-3 days. If I meet a friend for lunch and just sit with her for lunch for a couple of hours and sit and talk, I am sick and in pain for 2-3 days.

As all of these questions were being asked to me it was like someone hit me in the chest and knocked all the wind right out of me. Even though I knew all of this information, it is different to have someone ask you the questions as if he knew exactly what questions to ask, as he knew me already. I couldn't get through all of the questions before I started crying. I realized that this is me.. This is where I am right now. You know the saying it is one thing to know it but another thing to see it? Well it was as if someone put it on a HUGE NEON BLINKING SIGN in front of me. How could I not have seen the sign?

I composed myself and explained to him that I guess I expected there to be more questions about my physical status, and that these questions threw me for a loop. I told him how depressing these questions are and how it really made me realize how bad off I am. It made me realize that as much as I hate all of the physical aches and pains they are nothing compared to all of the "mind" or "mental" issues that come with my illness. No one really tells you about those issues, so when they start coming up, it is a total surprise, it comes out of nowhere and you start wondering what is wrong with you. Is it the medications? Is it the illness? Is it a new illness?

This is my life.. I am 37 years old and this is my life.. this is where I am at. I was crying almost to the point of sobbing because it suddenly hit me like a rock.. or a bullet or speeding train or a mac truck.. whatever it was it seemed like it came out of nowhere.

5.10.2009

In Loving Memory of my Father

Reuben Lloyd Castleberry 12/1/46 - 5/11/08


On May 11 2009 it will be 1 year since my father passed. First of all it has flown by. I don't know where the time has gone. I have learned a lot in the past year, about myself, my father and about life. It is not like I haven't been close to someone who has passed but this time it was just so completely different. This has completely changed the way I not only look at the world but how I see myself. . .


This is a decent family picture of the 3 of us before he was too ill


I always knew that my father was a "manly man" but it become even more evident to me over this past year. I can remember a time when he rotatilled our backyard while having a "broken hip" and at the same time he also took apart our washer and fixed that. He knew that his hip was bothering him but didn't realize it was broken. How many men do you know that can or have done that? After he started having to wear oxygen pretty regularly he still kept pushing himself. This surprised me and mom. Normally when something like this would have happened it would have got him down and that would have been it. Not this time. Thank God too! I am not sure what year this was but we decided we were going to paint the inside of the house. Mom was in Erie visiting her mom during the summer so we figured it would be a nice surprise and it might be easier if she wasn't here. He borrowed an electric sprayer and a couple of his buddies came over to help and he did all of the spraying. Needless to say he did as much as he could before he had to run outside to get some air and some oxygen. Because let me tell you at this time he was not wearing his oxygen in front of his buddies! Not saying he didn't need it, he just wasn't wearing it in front of them!


This was a self-portrait of himself in his hospital bed with his oxygen on. This was when his beard was still long. He was so proud of it.

Many people don't quite understand COPD which is what my father had. They think oh, he just has trouble breathing. Well, that is not it. When you have trouble breathing, it inhibits you from doing anything and everything. Not only is it difficult to breathe, but it is difficult to do minor things that most people think nothing of. Like sitting at a table or desk and putting together models, or fixing broken things.. you get out of breath before you know it. While you are having problems breathing, oxygen does not make it to all of your muscles, and they start to atrophy. You then get weaker, making everything little thing a big effort. Brushing your teeth, getting dressed, even moving in bed while sleeping takes a lot of energy and oxygen.


My Fathers Card


I have learned that life is short, unclear and unexpected. Although I have always known that you never know when you may be taken from this earth, it has really become evident to me this last year. I think not only because I lost my father, but I also lost several close friends and family members and I also have been battling with my health. I have always been the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve (although I try not to show it). I try to impress upon everyone that I come in contact with that they should always let their family and friends know how they feel about them. You can do this by words and actions.. and it means so much.

When my father passed, I learned that suddenly it wasn't important to work 60+ hours a week. It wasn't important to make sure that everyone was happy, even if that meant that I might not be. It wasn't important that I get everything done as of yesterday. All of the strange odd little things that seemed so important before were suddenly so not important to me anymore.

However, It is important that I make sure everyone that I come in contact with know where they stand with me in my life. It is important for me to work and not work myself to the bone. I have realized that I may not make as much money as I am used to, or feel like like I should for my age, but I know that I can't keep burning the candle at both ends, or I will be burned out before my time. I don't want that.. not yet anyway.

My father helped me see these things before he passed but also after he was gone. I can't get him back. I talk to him regularly and know that he is here with me. I can feel his presence, some more than other times, but still it is always a comforting feeling...believe it or not.

He died last year on Mother's Day. So this holiday will always be a bittersweet one from now one. Although like Mom said, it was a gift that he did finally pass because he had been suffering for a couple of days/night and he surely didn't deserve that. Not that we wanted him gone but we surely didn't want him here if he was going to be in that much pain and agony. You know? So now he is in Heaven, and we say he is up there with no pain, no breathing problems and enjoying himself. He is with his buddies, golfing and having a beer and laughing.. without losing his breath! How much sweeter could it be? He died young.. but worked hard all his life!


My Father's Urn (this is a picture of the home he grew up in when he was a child)


Rest in Peace Dad, rest in Peace...

5.04.2009

Things I dislike...

It's not that I don't like a lot of things, it's just that I thought it might make a funny read. I thought about naming it things I hate.. but hate seems like such a strong word, doesn't it? I am sure I won't list everything but let's see what does come to mind!

  • I don't really like veggies.. and by that I figured I would just put the term "veggies" because if I were to name all of them this list might just be a list of all veggies I dislike!
  • whining
  • when my face breaks out.. it never broke out my entire teen life time, now that I am 37, I am breaking out like crazy. What is up with that?
  • being late.. me or you.
  • extreme heat
  • extreme cold
  • diet drinks (yucks!)
  • pain (but then again, doesn't everyone??)
  • Universal Music Group (ha ha)
  • getting sick
  • being ill (I mean a real disease)
  • people that can't or won't control their children!!
  • LIARS (Don't get me started on that one)
  • people who say they are going to do something and then do not follow through (probably my biggest pet peeve)
  • TOFU - granted, I have never tried it, but have you seen it? GROSS!
  • depression
  • that time of the month(women you know what I am talking about!!)
  • not having money! (course then again.. doesn't everyone hate that one?)
  • buying toilet paper. What a waste. It is so expensive and then all we do is throw it away anyway!
  • losing loved ones
  • getting sunburned
  • not working (for a short time it is OK, but for a long time not really)
  • a bad haircut (yikes!)
  • gaining weight
  • being tired.... OK what I really mean is being exhausted. That SUCKS!!
  • making mistakes
  • getting angry
  • traffic
  • having to give my animals their medicine
  • feeling as if I disappointed someone
  • OK.. but what I HATE is that I used bullets to do this damn list and for some damn reason they show in the preview but not when I publish it. Now that I HATE!!!