6.27.2009

How was your flight???

How was your flight? Are you sure you want me to answer that?

I started out on a NY bus ride from Grand Central Station to get me to the JFK terminal. Then to top it all off the great bus driver dropped me off at the arrival instead of departing side so there were no sky caps! UGH! I had to drag, pull (whatever you want to call it) my 52 lb. suitcase to the counter. Grazia (the best hostess in the world) of course was with me. She was so calm and patient. I on the other hand was ready to kill someone and take names later... and I am talking about so later, that maybe the names would never have been taken, ya know? I was so done with everything. By now I was sweating so much it was just plain GROSS, I was hurting so much I was wondering if I was going to be able to walk to my gate wherever the hell it was. I was just done. You know how sometimes you just get to that point, where you are DONE? I was there and teetering on the edge of NO RETURN!! Needless to say I was so pissed off, I sounded like a New Yorker!! ha ha wink wink

As we waited in line to check luggage (I had to do this since there were no skycaps) there were several screaming mimi's (aka loud obnoxious children). So Grazia was concerned that there might be children on my flight because there were several loud ones in the same line. However, not to worry those children were not on my flight. You see we were really early for my flight. So instead I was "blessed" with a young couple that had 2 "lovely" children, a girl , Ellie who is 3 years old and a boy, Henry who is 14 months. The family had the 3 seats behind me.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love children of all ages - it's the parents that need some training from time to time. So for the first 2 hours of the trip, Elie was so talkative, very good speech skills but did not know what an "inside" voice was. ha ha Neither did little Henry. For some reason if he got excited or upset he would let out an extremely high pitched loud shrill. It ran right through me. The mom also kept telling Ellie not to touch Henry's body. I am not sure what that was all about, but I kept hearing that. I thought it was strange, but who knows the reasons behind it. I never once heard Dad talk. Only the mom and children. I was thinking maybe he has the inside voice! :)

Besides the loud shrills, I was also getting kicked or hit in the back - this was so relaxing!! Don't you agree?? The best part came when I figured I would try and relax and just try and close my eyes. . . and then I got pinched on the back of my arm. That sure made me move quick. I was shocked. I wasn't sure which "lovely" child was doing it... so I waited... and finally caught sweet Henry in the act. I think I surprised him when I grabbed his hand. I was just thankful he didn't let out one of his famous shrills! I turned and saw his mom and she apologized and I said oh this time he didn't pinch me like the other times this time I surprised him and grabbed his hand. So she tells me to just go ahead and pinch him back if he does that again! I smiled and said that I would be careful who you tell those things to - you might get someone who would really follow through with that. (I may say things but I wouldn't do it) Funny it didn't seem to bother her much. She then proceeds to give them a "treat". Yup! You guessed it, she split a chocolate cupcake between the two of them. As soon as Henry saw the treat he started with his shrills because he was so excited about it. Their mom tried telling him that he had to wait till she divided it for the both of them, but he wasn't having any of that. Meanwhile I am thinking, Are you nuts lady? Giving them that kind of sugar on a plane, where they can't run around? I was wishing I had some children's Benedryl so I could have offered it to her. I mean I am only trying to be helpful.

I was able to kind of check out the plane then and there were a handful of people with young children and a few animals. I love children and animals. However, I really think that when you are picking your seats you should be able to know if someone is traveling with a child, infant, or with an animal. Although I love children I don't want to be kicked or hit the entire flight, or have someone crying, or throwing a fit. There are numerous reasons to want to know if children/animals are near you on your flight and I think it would be a great idea to be able to know. Don't you? After my experience on this flight, this make so much more sense to me!!

With that being said, I had a poodle behind me going to NYC and a cat and a Maltese mix several rows behind me coming back home. However, there are some people that are just "not animal" people for whatever reasons. I would think they would find it difficult to be near someone traveling with an animal and/or if they are allergic to them that would be very difficult as well.

My flight quieted down ~ the 2 rug rats, I mean Ellie and Henry (the sweet little children) seemed to fall asleep and take a nap. The dog only whined a bit when the pressure got to his ears or so it seemed that way. All in all the flight turned out to be OK, considering how it started out. . . but I still think it would be a great idea to be able to know if children or animals are going to be seated near you.

Oh! BTW~When the hell did they start charging $7 for an effing pillow and blanket? I mean seriously?? OMG!!!

Safe Travels everyone!!

What is your Title?

Funny how it seems everyone needs a "title" to define themselves. Have you ever thought about that? Maybe since I have been ill and off of work for so long that is why it has come to my mind. I use to say and proudly I might add, that I was in "accounting" and a "caregiver". Those were my 2 main titles as far as I was concerned I held them high above for everyone to see. I was proud. I worked hard to get where I am in the accounting world, especially without an accounting degree! I am very proud of that or at least had always been and for being a caregiver that was nothing to be ashamed of. I proudly took care of my father and my Nana and take care of my mom. I guess that is something that has always come naturally to me. I never really thought much about it.

I am not working now and I find myself looking for a "title" or a "name". I don't want to say I am disabled or ill. Even though I may be at this point, I pray, hope and wish to God that someday I will be able to do a high stress job that I've always loved - but I guess that is something I will have to learn to handle.

So for now at least when someone asks me what I do - I pause for a moment or two and depending who it is I either tell them that I am in accounting (and smile) or that I am on a sabbatical now! I have come to find that believe it or not that answer usually stops people cold and they are not too sure what to say next.

Not everyone "needs" a title but with today's society it seems we all assume everyone has one and a "hi class" one at that!!

So for now... I am on sabbatical!

6.04.2009

Permanent Disability

I have been on disability since April 29, 2008. When I first went on disability I thought it would be for a short time. Soon it kept being extended. Before I knew it I was being told that it was approaching a year (boy did the time fly) and that I needed to apply for Social Security Permanent Disability. OK.. wait a minute.. let me sit down here. What did you just say to me? I am not going to be like this forever, I mean right? I kind of laughed, but not a real laugh, just something under my breath because I am talking to one of the insurance people and it's not like they really know who I am or how bad I am or if I will be like this forever. I know I don't want to be like this forever. So I ask if I do this does this mean I have to be on and stay "disabled" forever? I am told no. I think Thank God. I am told that if I do get healthy enough to go back to work, that I will be able to have a "trial " period. I am told that because it takes so long for this process I must start the paperwork now. It is a long process. I am also told that I will have to see "their" doctors. Oh that should be fun. NOT.

My thought process was no way at first. I mean I am only in my 30's and I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. I know I loved working and I know I hope and want to work again. It kind of made me feel like it was all over now. UGH!! I don't want it to be all over now or soon for that matter.

So after talking to a few doctors (it felt like a few million) and talking to some others... I decided to move forward with permanent disability. God help me. What would you do if you were me? Do you know what you would do?

I just received my first 2 notices for my first medical exams with "their" doctors. Guess I will have to keep you posted. See what fun I have been having in this last year? I bet y'all are jealous, huh? LMAO

Followers?

On the side of my Blog, it shows how many followers I have. It shows that I have 9, but do I really? You can't really count me, and then there are 2 of my cousins that are listed under the Face book followers and the other followers. Thanks guys! I appreciate your support. Love ya.

So I wonder does anyone really read any of my blogs? If so no one comments on the dam things. I mean are none of them worth at least one word good or bad? I mean don't get me wrong, I know my mom and her BFF read the blogs, and they comment. Thanks you 2 I really appreciate it. I know I can at least make you 2 laugh and cry. LOL

So I am asking, if anyone is following me, make some comments for Christ sake. And if you are not following.. why the hell not??

Hoping my begging gets me some more "fans", I mean followers.

Threading. . . goodbye peach fuzz!!

I am sure most of you know what it is like to have something on your body waxed. I have had my brows waxed. I find it so relaxing I actually am able to fall asleep while having it done. I know a freak, huh? I had my legs waxed once.. need I say more? I will continue my daily shaving. I thought I was going to die when I had my legs waxed. Nothing relaxing about that.

So.. I have what I call heavy peach fuzz on my face. I have always hated it. I had it waxed once, and my face broke out like crazy and was numb for like days. Not a good thing. I don't want to shave it.. but I hate it. So I started looking into Threading. I had first heard about it many years ago. However no one did it in the states, or if they did I didn't know of any places that did it. An article was written about a new place that opened up in the Santa Clarita Valley, Tippy Toes. I checked it out and called them and talked to her. I called a few places, and she was the only one that could speak English clearly enough that I wasn't having a difficult time understanding what the hell she was saying. That was one point for her. There was also a review written about her shop, and it was a positive review, another point for her. :)

I made an appt. and went in today for my first Threading. To preface this, not only am I super sensitive, but with all of the meds I am on, I never know how I am going to react to things. She tested out a small area on my face to see if I would get red or break out immediately. I was praying I would not break out immediately. Boy did I get red though! But no breakouts!! So I wanted to have from the top of my cheeks to below my chin done. She decided to do from the middle low side of my cheeks to below my chin. She was worried that with this being my first time, I might break out in the upper chin area. Surprisingly it only took about 20 minutes. I am not going to tell you that it doesn't hurt, because it does. But my face is so dam smooth, like smoother than a baby's butt! She said it will last 3-4 weeks. The next time I plan on going for the full face. Yeah baby! I can't believe how smooth my face feels. I came home afterwards and washed my face and then put some cool water and some toner on it like she suggested, that way it won't break out hopefully. So far so good. I am keeping my fingers crossed though.

The area that she did, there is not one stray hair left!

Goodbye peach fuzz... Hello smooth face! Lovin' it!!



In case you are interested in Threading.. here is a link
http://hairremoval.about.com/od/threading/a/threading101.htm

I am not the person I know, but who am I becoming?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have several medical issues. I first started with them in 1995. I know a hell of a long time ago. Funny thing is I was just recently finally diagnosed. Even funnier is I had thought that I had been diagnosed many years ago. Funny how things work out. Funny how I keep saying Funny. LOL Anyway.. I didn't get my true diagnosis till Jan 2008. For those of you that still aren't quite sure what it is that I have.. here it is ... the mother load...

-UCTD (undiagnosed connective tissue disorder)
-Lupus
-MS (beginning stages of)
-Essential Tremors
-Cluster Varietal Migraines
-Sjorgen's Syndrome
-Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
-Fibromyalgia

Please know that these are my diagnoses, not my symptoms. If I were to list my symptoms.. I think it might scare you.. who am I kidding, I think it might scare me, if I saw them all listed together!

And that is all that is coming to mind right now. And I say that because one of the worst symptoms of these illnesses or diseases is that it has killed my memory. I no longer have a short term memory and I struggle to find my words. It is almost at times as if I am stuttering yet I simply cannot find the word(s) that I am looking for and therefore get stuck, and when I get stuck so does my thought and I am no longer able to proceed. It is like being frozen in time and having every one's eyes right on you. They are all waiting for you to finish your sentence, but you can't, you can't because you can't "find" that word you need to finish your thought. And most times when you can't finish your thought, you lose it and if I don't lose it, I tend to just want to shut the fuck up and crawl into a hole. This is not me. I don't know who this person is but it is not me. Am I turning into this person? I feel like it sometimes. However, I hope not at the same time too. It scares me just as much.

I used to be the one that always talked (my dad teased and said he could never get a word in edge wise when I was around!), now I don't talk as much. I use to always crack and make jokes, now not so much.. it worries me that I might get stuck in the middle and not be able to find a word and then, wouldn't I look stupid? Oh yeah!! Put it this way, if I wouldn't look stupid I sure the hell would feel it. No doubt about that one.

The other day I had an appt. with my neurologist. I had thought he was a good Dr. When I started telling him that these symptoms aren't getting any better but only getting worse, he actually ... well he actually he told me that he thought that I might be depressed! Can you fucking believe that? I mean seriously? Let me tell you something, like I told him, I sure the hell wasn't depressed before I got sick, but I will tell you this, I am sure as shit that I have gone through bouts of depression since I have been sick. Who the hell wouldn't have? But do I think that, that is what is causing me to have no short term memory or me not to be able to find words? Hell no. I am not saying that it couldn't effect it, but is it the root of the problem, HELL NO! I can't believe he is a MEDICAL DOCTOR and this is his "finding" after a year of treatment and tests up the freaking kazoo. Now for some reason he believes that it is from depression. So I asked him, OK then if it is from that how do we fix it. Let's fix it then. He backed up and said, umm, well, that would be something for your other doctors to address and handle. Oh Gee.. thanks Doc!

So as I am walking out of his office, I am in shock.. OK not really, I felt as if I was going out of my mind. I started thinking of course, what if it is all from depression, this sucks! Oh My God, why hasn't anyone else caught this. Then I grabbed a hold of myself and thought about it for a bit.. and realized WTF!! This is one doctor, one lousy doctor and I have been to too many to keep track of.. and no one else feels the way he does. Not one of them has mentioned he wonderful theory of depression. Yet, all of the reading, and research and support groups, I have found that this crap is involved with LUPUS, MS and Connective Tissue Disorders, which are all a part of Auto Immune Diseases.

So this person that I am turning into.. I don't know who she is. Truthfully I don't really care for her. I would prefer to have the "old" Tammy back. :) Don't get me wrong, I have learned allot about illnesses and myself, but I miss my "mind", the way it worked, the way it is suppose to work.. you know properly. LOL

They say that you shouldn't let the disease rule your world or change who you are. I agree.. but sometimes it changes you without your permission.