6.04.2009

I am not the person I know, but who am I becoming?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have several medical issues. I first started with them in 1995. I know a hell of a long time ago. Funny thing is I was just recently finally diagnosed. Even funnier is I had thought that I had been diagnosed many years ago. Funny how things work out. Funny how I keep saying Funny. LOL Anyway.. I didn't get my true diagnosis till Jan 2008. For those of you that still aren't quite sure what it is that I have.. here it is ... the mother load...

-UCTD (undiagnosed connective tissue disorder)
-Lupus
-MS (beginning stages of)
-Essential Tremors
-Cluster Varietal Migraines
-Sjorgen's Syndrome
-Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
-Fibromyalgia

Please know that these are my diagnoses, not my symptoms. If I were to list my symptoms.. I think it might scare you.. who am I kidding, I think it might scare me, if I saw them all listed together!

And that is all that is coming to mind right now. And I say that because one of the worst symptoms of these illnesses or diseases is that it has killed my memory. I no longer have a short term memory and I struggle to find my words. It is almost at times as if I am stuttering yet I simply cannot find the word(s) that I am looking for and therefore get stuck, and when I get stuck so does my thought and I am no longer able to proceed. It is like being frozen in time and having every one's eyes right on you. They are all waiting for you to finish your sentence, but you can't, you can't because you can't "find" that word you need to finish your thought. And most times when you can't finish your thought, you lose it and if I don't lose it, I tend to just want to shut the fuck up and crawl into a hole. This is not me. I don't know who this person is but it is not me. Am I turning into this person? I feel like it sometimes. However, I hope not at the same time too. It scares me just as much.

I used to be the one that always talked (my dad teased and said he could never get a word in edge wise when I was around!), now I don't talk as much. I use to always crack and make jokes, now not so much.. it worries me that I might get stuck in the middle and not be able to find a word and then, wouldn't I look stupid? Oh yeah!! Put it this way, if I wouldn't look stupid I sure the hell would feel it. No doubt about that one.

The other day I had an appt. with my neurologist. I had thought he was a good Dr. When I started telling him that these symptoms aren't getting any better but only getting worse, he actually ... well he actually he told me that he thought that I might be depressed! Can you fucking believe that? I mean seriously? Let me tell you something, like I told him, I sure the hell wasn't depressed before I got sick, but I will tell you this, I am sure as shit that I have gone through bouts of depression since I have been sick. Who the hell wouldn't have? But do I think that, that is what is causing me to have no short term memory or me not to be able to find words? Hell no. I am not saying that it couldn't effect it, but is it the root of the problem, HELL NO! I can't believe he is a MEDICAL DOCTOR and this is his "finding" after a year of treatment and tests up the freaking kazoo. Now for some reason he believes that it is from depression. So I asked him, OK then if it is from that how do we fix it. Let's fix it then. He backed up and said, umm, well, that would be something for your other doctors to address and handle. Oh Gee.. thanks Doc!

So as I am walking out of his office, I am in shock.. OK not really, I felt as if I was going out of my mind. I started thinking of course, what if it is all from depression, this sucks! Oh My God, why hasn't anyone else caught this. Then I grabbed a hold of myself and thought about it for a bit.. and realized WTF!! This is one doctor, one lousy doctor and I have been to too many to keep track of.. and no one else feels the way he does. Not one of them has mentioned he wonderful theory of depression. Yet, all of the reading, and research and support groups, I have found that this crap is involved with LUPUS, MS and Connective Tissue Disorders, which are all a part of Auto Immune Diseases.

So this person that I am turning into.. I don't know who she is. Truthfully I don't really care for her. I would prefer to have the "old" Tammy back. :) Don't get me wrong, I have learned allot about illnesses and myself, but I miss my "mind", the way it worked, the way it is suppose to work.. you know properly. LOL

They say that you shouldn't let the disease rule your world or change who you are. I agree.. but sometimes it changes you without your permission.

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