8.17.2009

RAGE


I wonder is rage inherited or is it learned? Is it a trait, a characteristic, a chemical or hormonal imbalance or something else?

Growing up I was always told that I took after my father. He had a horrible temperament and just about no amount of patience. I had and still do have a horrible anger issue (I now call it rage) and lack of patience. I use to hate being told that I was like my father. My father and I are alot alike, and when I was young the last thing I wanted was any of his "bad habits". LOL I have learned it is not so bad after all. If you can admit to your downfalls or vices, then that is half the battle. Once you admit to the problems that plague you, you can then move forward to address them and attempt to fix them, whatever they may be.

When I was younger I would lose my temper easily at stupid little things. I never would get mad at anyone else or anything. It seemed to mostly be at something stupid I did. It was like I took it out on me (kinda). I never hurt anyone or anything and can't imagine doing so. Yet, I have always wondered why? Why do I have so much RAGE? I have read many books and articles on the subject. I have spoken to many different people on the subject. I have tried many different types of treatments to help control this. I no longer call it anger because to me it is not.
It is the little things that seem to make me "lose it". When I do lose it, if I am not able to keep it under control then it becomes what I call RAGE. It is like you have no control and you fly off of the handle. Different people handle it different ways. If I am able to handle it, it takes alot out of me, but I am thrilled that I can handle it and "IT" doesn't win. That means alot to me. I have heard of people that suffer from "RAGE" episodes who will sometimes punch holes in walls, hurt themselves or hurt others. None of these are good remedies.
I have recently found out that not only did my father have these issues, but so does several other cousins on both sides of my family. I was shocked when I found this out. There are both female and male relatives that have issues with RAGE. This is why I raise the question, could RAGE be genetic? I mean could you inherit it? What determines who gets the "RAGE" gene? If so how do you fix this? I mean is it psychotherapy? medications? meditation? exercise? prayers? I have had all of these remedies suggested to me. I have tried all of them.
I seem to go through periods that I hardly have any "RAGE" outbursts which is great, and then there are periods that I feel like I am going to have one every other breath. I hate those periods. Those times are no fun at all.
I am aware of my "RAGE" issues and work on it daily. I still read as much as I can about it and try to learn as much as I can. I really want to know why I am like this. I am still amazed that there are other people on both sides of my family that have the same issue.

8.16.2009

What I really and I mean really like. . .

I have already written about what I really dislike so now it is time to write about what I really like, and I mean really, really like.
  • the smell of leather
  • the smell of horses (I know this may sound odd to some, but it smells so fresh to me!)
  • babies- they are so adorable and so loving
  • animals - I love them all (this does NOT include reptiles or bugs of ANY kind)
  • going into a place and having them know you by name (maybe because you know the owners or managers or maybe b/c you tip well or maybe because you go there so often, but whatever the reason, it is nice)
  • a strong hug
  • a warm kiss
  • Pepsi - my drug of choice!
  • surprising someone or treating someone
  • taking pictures
  • pain free moments
  • working (believe it or not, I truly do miss working)
  • beach - listening to the ocean and feeling the warm sun on my face and the breeze on my
  • Amaretto Sours and Margarita's
  • accomplishing everything on my to do list
  • helping someone out
  • writing
  • food (I was going to name my favorites, but as I was thinking about it, I realized now that I am older, I basically love all food, who am I kidding!!)
  • Face book - I said it, in fact I think I might even be addicted to it. Is there a 12 step program for Face book?
  • Gummy Bears - I am addicted to those (but I don't buy them often, because I would probably turn into one!)
  • riding a motorcycle (memories!!)
  • traveling
  • learning new things
  • feeling relaxed or at peace (although I don't get many of those moments, when I do get them I do cherish them)
  • reading (mostly self help or non-fiction)
  • being able to solve problems or issues
  • my mom (she truly is the best of the best)
  • desserts - I think those deserve a mention all on their own, you know separate from food!
  • hearing and learning about my heritage and history
  • having energy and feeling it too! That is really nice.
  • laughing so hard that you almost can't breathe
  • finding something you really like on SALE

I know I have probably only listed a few items as to what I really really like, but at the moment of writing this, these are all that came to mind. I guess this will have to do for now anyway...

So... what do you really, really like???

8.11.2009

She follows me everywhere

I am alone. I no longer go to work. I no longer hang out with people. I no longer go out and do things with people. I hardly go out and do much of anything anymore. I do go to doctor appointments (woo-hoo, we all know how much fun those are, right?) For one I don't have co-workers anymore and the other it seems that the people I thought were friends, I have come to find out aren't.
Being sick is a funny situation. You see everyone handles things differently. Some people think that if they don't talk about it or look at you, it is like it doesn't exist. HA HA Others try to console you with, "I know how you feel, I am so tired too". However, mostly they just disappear. They stop calling and coming around. I mean who wants to be around a sick person all the time. Hell, I know I sure as the hell don't. OH, wait, that sick person is me. Oops! I have tried leaving her somewhere, actually a few places. I tried to leave her in the hospital a couple of times, but she followed me, another time I tried to leave her under my bed (she did not like that at all), and I have even tried leaving her in other states. I know.. you think she would like a change of scenery. Ungrateful bitch!! She still holds onto me and so tightly. Every so often she teases me and must take a nap or relax a bit too much and I seem to feel OK for a couple of hours. I usually try not to get my hopes up, but sometimes I do. And those times, I end up doing to much, or at least trying to do to much, and then she shows up with full vengeance and I wish I would have done nothing. Because now, you see now, I feel like I have gone to HELL and back and been run over a couple of times. Talk about feeling like crap.. that is just the beginning. See and the thing that is the strangest out of all of this. . . you see I look just fine.


Sure I have changed over the years since I have had "her" with me. I guess if you hadn't known me you wouldn't see any difference. But I do and so does she and she reminds me of it daily. To anyone on the street I look like an average healthy person. I walk (without help most of the times), I am usually always smiling and always making jokes and smart ass comments. I try to always make sure that I have my hair and make up done when I go out in public. I think that it makes me feel a bit better about myself (OK... at least sometimes it does). If I am having bad days I do use my handicap placard to park. Gotta love those stares from people that see you getting out of the car and see me and think I must be using someone else's placard. It used to upset me, but I just smile at them now. If you were to talk to me depending on how bad or good of a day I was having you might notice it also. I used to be such the talker. Now, I try not to talk as much, because I have difficulties finding words and at times stutter. My short term memory is just about gone. So if you are someone close to me you might notice this, but if you are just someone I barely come in contact with you might just think that I have a speech problem or might even be drunk. I have had people think that as well, because I don't walk so steady and because of my speech problems. Like I said, I do my best to always smile and joke around. Unfortunately I think that gives alot of people the wrong idea about me. You know, if I am smiling and joking, I CAN'T be sick, right? I have always been this way. It is just me.

And yet she still says with me. She has decided to reside here permanently it looks like. For the most part she is nice, she is rather heavy (40 lbs or so) to carry around all the time with me. She is very emotional and gets overwhelmed easily. I am still getting used to that. I am not sure if I ever will.

People ask me if she will ever leave (if I will be cured). I would love to say Yes, and the date that she is leaving is Aug 30. 2009. :) Like I said, she has taken up permanent residence with me and I still battle getting used to her ways. You have to remember I was born an only child. This is all still new to me, even though she has been with me for 14 years now. It still seems surreal to say that she has been with me for 14 years, but see she never really bothered me until the last 2 years. Previously she had always been a pretty good roommate, once in awhile she would act up, but for the most part she kept to herself. I had always been able to go to school, work, go out and do things and do errands on weekends and not get sick. Not anymore, at least not in the last 2 years or so.

OK.. so maybe I am not alone because she actually resides within me... but let me tell you I sure the hell FEEL alone.

8.03.2009

When I play, boy do I PAY!!

So I was actually had plans to get together with a friend on Saturday for lunch. I rarely, and I mean RARELY, ever do something like this. I hadn't seen this friend in over a year. We have emailed and talked on the phone and tried to make plans previously but it never worked out. So I was rather looking forward to our "date". :) I was thinking that it was going to be an easy outing for me. We were going to be meeting in my city (hardly any driving for me) and it was going to be in the afternoon(so I wouldn't have to get up too early which is so difficult for me), and we were just going to having lunch (nothing physical). I mean how much easier could it have been, right? Well... so we met at the wonderful Margaritas Mexican Restaurant in Valencia. It was great we had lunch and sat talked for 3 1/2 hours! It was nice to catch up and chat and relax. Great food, great service and great company. I can't tell you when the last time it was that I didn't something like that. I really enjoyed myself. I was so proud that I felt good the entire time. I tried not to dwell or think about it too much as I did not want to jinx it.

As soon as we walked out of the restaurant I was hit hard with a horrible headache. I wasn't sure why but I was hit hard. I tried not to think about it, as I was hoping I was going to feel 1/2 way decent to do be able to go to either Target or Ralphs. Well, I was feeling so HORRIBLE, I knew I would not be able to make it through those places. As I started driving my body started to cramp up and spasm, and I mean my entire body. My headache turned into a migraine and I became extremely sick to my stomach. I was hurting all over so bad it was horrible. I felt as if I had run a marathon(although I have no idea what that would feel like b/c I have never done something like that), and been beaten up horribly and on top of all that had the stomach flu. Once I got home, I changed into comfy pj's and laid down to rest. I thought that maybe if I rested I would be OK. I laid down and rested but was dying in pain only getting worse. I had to eat a little something so that I could take some pain pills.

See I am one of those people that don't like to take pain pills unless I can't stand the pain anymore. I know I know the doctors tell me NOT to do that, but I don't want to be dependent on pain pills, ya know? Although it is not like the pain pills take my pain aways, it only eases a small amount so that I am able to do other things. Get it?

So here it is I was out basically from 1:30pm - 6:00pm. I didn't do anything physical. I drove 10 min to a restaurant, sat the entire time and ate and chatted. I drove back home another 10 min. However, this wonderful outing just about killed me. I ask WHY??? For such a short amount of time and for not doing anything physical, I was incapacitated for the rest of the evening on Saturday and on Sunday. I basically slept once I came home from my luncheon, woke up for a short time to eat dinner, slept more, got up on Sunday at 10:30am for about a 1/2 hr. to feed the animals and went back to sleep until 4:30pm. Even after all that sleep, I could have continued to sleep, but I forced myself to get up. However, my body is still wrecked with pain. WHY??? I had to take pain pills again today. WHY?

When things like this happen, it makes me not want to go out and do anything. I mean why? I go out and do something fun and I end up paying for it for how many days. That is so unfair. I look healthy to the normal person; I mean I smile, laugh, joke, I don't have anything outwardly showing that there is something wrong with me. So I look just fine, yet when you get down to it, I am not.

Some people say I am disabled and others say no. I have been thinking to myself no, not me, I am ok. I can push myself to get back in the swing of things and go back to doing what I use to do. I mean how hard can it be, right? I did it before, and I was sick (just not this bad). It seems that everytime I start thinking, and feeling this way, I get kicked in the ASS and reminded real quick that if I were to do something like that, I would end up paying so bad that I would end up in DEBT that I might not be able to get out of. Get my drift? I surely don't want.

So for now I don't play very much or very often and I when I do, I know that I can't have anything scheduled for the next 2-3 days because I will be unable to do anything. This upsets me tremendously but for now this is something I have to live with. I am still learning to accept my disability. Still trying to find a cheaper price to pay, ya know??