Not much longer after I got to my destination and stepped out of the truck and just stood there. I was still unsure if this was real or not. You see it has been so long since I have had a remission that I was so unsure if this was going to be another one or if I was just "wishing or hoping" it to be. I stood there trying to "feel" every body part and realize if I was in pain or not. See after you have been in pain for so long, you tend to almost get so used to it, almost numb to it that when or if the pain does go away it takes a while for those messages to get to the brain and make sense. I know it makes almost no sense but that is how it is.
Well, I was pain free for almost 4 hours! I know it doesn't sound like much... I mean 4 hours out of 14 years, but I will take whatever I can get. It was a nice 4 hours of pain free time.. :) No doubt about that!! Sure I would have loved to be able to report that I am still pain free, but not at this time, not yet. I am hoping that sometime soon, I will be able to.
For all of my life I always believed it did. I always thought that there was someone out there for everyone. I am not sure if that was my "optimistic" way of looking at things, or if that was the way I was raised, or if that was something I was just always hoping for myself! I never thought that LOVE wouldn't find everyone.
However, I happen to be a follower of "Desperate Housewives", anyone else watch that show? So the other week, I was watching it and Susan was talking to her "boss" the art teacher about LOVE. Her art teacher was telling her how she has spent all of her life chasing LOVE and still hasn't found it. This is when Susan told her, LOVE doesn't always find everyone. If I would have been standing, I know I would have fallen over. I was shocked to hear her say that. I didn't expect that. And that is what got me thinking. It made me think, Does LOVE always find everyone?
I mean there are so many people out there, that have gone through divorces and had their hearts broken... was that when LOVE found them and now it is gone?
What about the people that lost the LOVE of their life? Is that their only chance for LOVE in their life?
The world is so huge now, can we really expect LOVE to find us wherever we are? I know nowadays we have Internet, email, IM, online dating sites, friends, family, work, blind dates, so one would think we should have no limitations in finding the LOVE of our life.
I also happen to be addicted to Face book. :) So today I put my "status" as :Tammy wants to know if LOVE really does find everyone. What do you think? I was hoping I would get some comments from some people.. I got a few, not as many as I had hoped for but I did get some.. here they are:
1.One of my oldest and dearest friends, tells me, "YES, and to start looking!" (I love her. She is married to a wonderful man and has 5 beautiful children).
2. A friend from HS that I have recently reconnected with through my newest addiction, Face book, advises me to "ask out guys that I want to go out with!" I think that is a great idea, if only I had big balls!! LMAO However, that is just not my style.
3. A dear friend from work, tells me, "LOVE finds you when LOVE thinks YOU are ready for what it has to offer." ( I believe this.. but you know sometimes you just get tired of waiting, ya know??)
4. My last comment is from a long lost friend, this one happens to be male. I mention this because I think it matters. He tells me in all of his comic relief (because he has great humor and can always make me laugh my ass off), "that if LOVE found everyone we wouldn't have a single song worth hearing from *anyone* we listen to". He then goes on to tell me "that being said, He cannot think of anyone - *anyone* more deserving of true LOVE than me." (He is so sweet, he must want something, huh? Just kidding).
Believe it or not. . . I still believe that LOVE does find everyone.. however it may not find us when we would like it to, or when we are looking for it, it may even be hiding at least until the time is just right. . .
I immediately called them and waited for them to call me back. They said there was a memorial this Sat. I asked if I could ask what happened. It hadn't been that long since we had spoken to him. I was informed he took his life on Thursday. What????!!!!! His poor girlfriend found him, he had shot himself. I am still in disbelief...
I mean this is the man that I have known almost my entire life. Once my father became ill, he made it a mission of his that he visit my father weekly and if for some reason he wasn't able to make it because of work, he always called. After my father passed, he still called to check in on us. He always asked if there was anything he could do for "us girls" around the house.
I will miss Bob Nagle, greatly. He was a good man. You don't find those type of men anymore. God bless him and rest his soul.
I say that Death surrounds me, because it sure the hell feels like it. I mean I have almost lost count of how many people that I know that have passed away recently, and by this I mean in just the past year. I have lost my father, my doctor, my great aunt, another aunt, a close neighbor, 2 dear friends of the family and that is just the beginning of the list.
So when I say that I feel Death surrounds me, I think I can honestly say that... this is all within a year. Don't you think that is a bit much, a bit excessive??? I don't want anyone to suffer, by no means, but this seems to be a bit over the top.
Another memorial... may he and all the other souls rest in peace and have found their home. They will always be remembered.
Now.. he is up there with my father, and they are playing golf with Neil and Gary, like old times!!
Love you all and miss you all terribly. xoxo
So the other day my mom and I were at Urgent Care for the day. It is one of the many places it seems that my mom likes to spend her free time, either that or an actual hospital! Kidding, although we have teased about the hospital being her home away from home! So there we were at Urgent Care and I went to check my email on my Blackberry Curve because I was actually expecting an urgent email. Wouldn't you know it, (sarcastic tone) the damn thing had an hour glass on it, like it was working... yeah OK it might have been working but nothing was getting done. I then tried to turn it off, no luck. Finally, gritting my teeth, I was able to get the damn thing off. I waited a few moments and turned it back on, OK, I attempted to turn it back on. Finally it came on, but had the hour glass figure and was "working". That is all I could get it to do. Needless to say, since I have no patience, I am already OK with throwing this thing out the window, or down the hall or whatever. However, for some reason I refrain. OH, I know, there a million people in Urgent Care and am able to some what calm myself.
We finally get done at Urgent Care.. in case anyone is wondering, we went because my mom was in so much freaking pain about her knee she could barely walk. For a women who can handle pain she was telling them that the pain was off of the scale. This is not like my mom, for anyone who knows her. They finally decided to give her a steroid shot in her knee and we were told to ice it every 15 min. I will basically have to chain her down to keep her seated. They said they think she has tendinitis and her arthritis is flaring up in her knee. She says, "It sucks to get old.. don't do it!"
So when we are done there, T-Mobile is not that far away. I ask her if she minds and I drive over there. Mind you I have tried in between to get this damn phone to work and I am unable to. I can't make a call, I can't do anything because all it wants to do is "work". I show it work, I am thinking!
I run into the store and this poor unsuspecting boy, Philip asks me how I am doing! Wrong question!! However, I smile and tell him, "not well". He asks me what is wrong and I told him that if you can turn it on it will only show the hour glass and do nothing else. He asked me if I tried anything else besides turning it off and on. I said my next thought process was throwing it out the window, but I thought I would give him a chance first. I haven't even had this phone for a month yet. I am now breathing deep, because everyone says that is something good to do. I have already counted to 10, 500 times so that didn't really do the trick!
I take another deep breath and explain to him that I am sorry but I do not have much OK any patience. See, when GOD said line up for patience, I didn't hear him and was in line for something else, but someone else stayed in the patience line and took a double helping. He chimes in and says I know who got your dose! He explains to me that he has a friend that has the patience of Job, yup he said it. He said she can handle anything. I then said, "well tell her thanks allot, the least she could have done was tell God, that she already had already received her allotment of patience and that she didn't want to take someone else's." But ohhhhhhhhhhh nooooo she just had to double dip didn't she. Now I am screwed because she had to have more patience then anyone else. Well at least after all these years I finally know who the hell has my patience, now I just want to meet her!
This is when you know there is something definitely wrong with your life!!! I mean come on a 9 year wanting my mom's email address instead of mine. I found this to be so funny, I couldn't stop laughing, sad too, but funny as well!!
On Saturday my mom and I were driving to Ventura to visit my Great Aunt because she became very ill and was close to death. We were running late as usual... usual for these days. I try not to let that get me too frazzled anymore, because that it one of my "new" things. I get frazzled easily. Ain't that nice? NO, no it is not. In fact I don't like it at all. So.. I try and work on that as much as I can.
OK... so we went through the drive thru at Burger King to get a little something to "wolf down" on the way there. We were going to pick up my other Great Aunt and Great Uncle to take them with us. We knew they would have already eaten something. So as we pull around to the drive thru window, the nice young girl was sick. I became horrified. It hit me that she was sick, you could see it all over her. She sounded awful, her throat was hoarse, her nose was stuffy and runny, her eyes were all red.. and she was touching our drinks and bag of food to hand it to us. Now don't get me wrong I am not a total freak. But it hit me.. like a mac truck.. I realized that I had not been sick for a couple of days. Yes, that is right, not sick for a couple of days. And now I was face smack dab with someone who was really sick. I said a little prayer and thought please don't let me get sick.
Then there was today when I ran out early afternoon to get the newspaper. You know when you just run out really quick to get the paper and hope no one sees you. Yup! That was me today!! OK, and just to make sure we are all on the same page, I didn't run, I slowly walked. I don't "run" anywhere anymore. LOL I wish I could, but that is a whole other blog! Well, wouldn't you know it I got caught. And not only by 1 person, but 3!! My God, am I being punished here or what? LOL So I politely chatted with the first one, then the 2nd one approached (mind you I am in my own driveway!!) and we chatted. I finally had to tell her that it was getting way too cold for me and I couldn't afford to get sick. It sounded like I upset her, I felt bad but I couldn't take the chance. As I am thrilled to be finally going into my warm house, another neighbor drives by and yells out, "Hey Stranger!!" You have no idea how I wanted to play deaf! However, I didn't and I chatted for a few until what I felt like I was blue and explained that I had to get in the house. I knew I had to be froze to the bone. Now I am sure you wondering why I would have "ran" out to get the paper if it was so darn cold. First I was in layers of clothes and 2nd it wasn't that cold out, but I cold easily now (apparently). By the time I got in, my face was frozen and my ears were too (I mean they had to be, right?). It took me forever to get warm.
So you want to know if I am sick, don't you?? I have a sore throat and my ears are bothering me. I thought Damn it! This really sucks! You think I would be use to this by now, right? Yeah right, I'll let you know when and if that ever happens!! Like I said, I am Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired.
I was fortunate enough to care for my Nana (my mom's mom) and then almost 7 years later I took care of my father. Hospice can be a great help, you just need to know a few essential things.
- A schedule. This is necessary and will keep you sane and keep the patient sane as well.
- A co-caregiver. This way you are not doing everything completely by yourself. Although you have hospice they are usually not in the home with you at all times. Depending on how ill the patient is and what type of insurance the patient has it will also depend on how often someone comes to the home to assist with bathing, changing bedding's, and other minor things.
- Know the illness. Do as much research as possible. Find out what type of illness, the medications, the changes that will happen, and end of life. You will need the Internet, books and the doctors and the nurses. You will most likely need to stress to the medical team that you want to know everything now so you can know what to expect when things start happening and changing.
- A sense of humor. They say laughter is the best medicine. This will not only help you, the caregiver, but also the patient as well.
Here is some information that I hope you will find as helpful as I have.
http://www.webmd.com/ You can look up all sorts of different medications, illnesses and symptoms.
http://www.medicare.gov/ Depending on the age of the patient this will be handy.
http://www.medi-cal.ca.gov/ Sometimes it is necessary to have the patient apply for medi-cal, if they do not have a secondary insurance or do not have any assets.
http://www.hospicefoundation.org/ This is the main site for hospice information
A great book I read was, "Aging Parents, Aging Children: How to Stay Sane and Survive" by Miriam K. Aronson
I was fortunate in both cases to have the assistance of the doctors. In the first case they basically held me by the hand and walked me through it. The second time, although it was a different provider, I knew the basics and sort of what to expect.
Please be aware that no matter what illness or disease the patient has, it will change them into someone you don't know. I think this is the toughest part. Not only will their looks change, but so will their personality. Remember it is not them that is changing but it is the illness that is doing it, the meds that is doing it. They are still the same person you have known for so long, there are just some changes that are occurring that they have no control over. This is when they need your understanding, patience, love, caring and support more then ever.
There may be times when the patient can't speak or it may seem like they can't hear, but remember they most likely can. So always talk kindly and lovingly to them and around them, tell them things you want them to hear. You will remember these times.
This is still your loved one and remember the good times with a smile on your face and a happy tear in your eye.
You will see them again someday. . .
So I named this site because it seems that I have always had a tendency to do just that.. let my mouth overload my ass! I have always said what I think and feel. I never want to, mean to or intend to hurt any one's feelings. I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor - this is me. If you ask me something, be prepared for the truth, because that is what I will tell you. I am the friend, co-worker, boss, family member that will always tell you truth. Oh yes.. I am sorry to tell you, but I will. I will be as polite and respectful and nice as possible and I would want the same for me. I will tell you if I saw your husband/wife out with someone else.. if I know they are cheating.. I will tell you. If your boss is undermining you and taking the credit for your ideas.. I will tell you. If your co-worker is a backstabbing bitch, I will let you know. Now some might say this is snitching or causing problems.. well.. to me it is being truthful. I would want to know.. but before I tell you, I will have proof to back me up so that you know I am not the one trying to ruin anything or undermine anything else that is going on in your life.
More times than I care to remember I have had someone be offended by something I have said. Why? Because I say it how it is. They either misunderstand what I am saying or perceived it incorrectly. Like I am sure we have all heard before, "Perception is Reality", I think that SUCKS! If I say something and you take it the wrong way, the least you can do is tell me how it made you feel so that I can either explain what I meant or confirm that you are right and I did mean it the way you took it! I mean that is only fair.
So needless to say, I am still this way.. "letting my mouth overload my ass". Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way. This is me. I don't know me any other way. On this blog, I can be me and not have to worry about what I say or how I say it. I can say it just like I normally would and not worry if anyone "might" be offended.
I hope that you will find my "stories" interesting and not be offended, but if you are don't take it personally. It is just me, letting my mouth overload my ass ...again!
I have too many diseases to name. At least it feels like that at times. I don't think any of my friends really know or understand what I really have or what is really wrong with me. They know that sometimes I can barely move due to aches and pain and sometimes I am so exhausted I literally cannot lift my head from the pillow, no matter what is going on. I would be willing to go as far as to say, that my home could be on fire and if I was that exhausted I would be unable to move.
So you want know what I have? Well, you ask merely out of curiosity but that is the only reason. Once I tell you, it will be out of sight out of mind. It will go in one ear and the other and it will be just as quickly forgotten. In a sense that is OK, in another sense it is not. Sometimes, I need or would like to have "support" of some sort from my friends and/family but usually it is just easier to smile and say that I am fine. :) I mean who wants to hear the "real" answer, that I am exhausted beyond the limit and am in so much pain I wonder why I can't be on morphine and still function. LOL OK.. I know I can't do that , but I hope you get my drift.
Drum roll please... I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Cluster Varietal Migraines, Essential Tremors, Restless Leg Syndrome, Sleep Apnea, TMJ, IBS,short term memory loss, confusion, Angina & most recently UCTD or MCTD and the beginning stages of MS. Now isn't that an impressive list? Oh wait, you say this isn't something I should be trying to impress anyone with? Yes, I know that, but I still have to have a sense of humor about this, otherwise, I will be NUTS on top of all of this too!!
I am still trying to figure out how this all fits into my life and why me and... and...however, God doesn't always let you in on all of these divine situations.
It is late... 2 am now and I need to get to bed.. as this also is not a good thing for someone with invisible diseases. They call them invisible b/c if someone is looking at you, you don't look sick, you look healthy for the most part. How ironic... I "look" healthy, yet I am "broken" or "damaged" and so badly I don't even know if anyone can fix me or if I can either for that matter. . .
I have so many doctors it is almost hard to keep them all straight. I think I have one for every specialty. Sometimes this is good.. but in my mind most of the time it is not good.
I have found some really good sites and hopefully these will come in handy to anyone that may need them as well.
I will keep you posted because although I have had most of my illnesses for close to 15 years, I have also just recently been diagnosed with the more difficult illnesses. So really this is just the beginning of my journey. . .
My father died on Mother's day (May 11, 2008). I never considered myself close to him, certainly not his "favorite" child. ha ha That is a joke in our household, because we have a little dog (Tee-Tee), who we always joked was his "favorite" daughter.
He was sick for 7 years, then the last 13 months is when it seemed to progress to the Hospice stage and then the last month or so it was even worse as he was basically stuck in his bedroom. My mom was his main caretaker. I worked and did my damnest to make sure we had everything we needed to take care of "us", our family. I tried, I really did.
I never thought that once he would pass that it would bother me or effect me in the manner that it has. My entire life has changed. Not a 180 degree turn but a 360 degree turn. I have come to realize that I no longer feel or want to work 80 hrs a week, or be around any negative people. Life is too short to be upset and unhappy and stressed beyond belief for reasons that are of no benefit. I don't know what I am going to do yet. I have always felt that health is extremely important but now it brings on an entirely new meaning. Any ideas??? Here the ironic thing.. I am the sickest I have ever been.
I miss him, more than I ever thought I could or would miss him in a million years. Don't get me wrong, I knew I would miss him, just not to this extreme. I think of him daily and sometimes even more. Sometimes just happy thoughts and other times, my eyes fill with tears, still with good thoughts, but the tears roll without any control.
He was only 62 yrs old. That is so young. His mom was only 62 yrs old when she passed also.
I always try and remind people to tell their loved ones that they love them and not only with words but with actions. They will be so glad they did. I don't regret a moment that I spent with my dad. I feel so fortunate that I was able to spend the time that I did with him. I feel blessed to have been able to be by his side through everything, good and bad. In my mind, I wouldn't have had it any other way...
He has his own website. http://www.mem.com/ Once you get to that site, you will need to enter his name, Reuben Castleberry and that will take you to his page. You can then see his biography, pictures and a movie. You can view his guest book and sign it as well if you like.
I miss you dad....I know you are still with me and mom, we can feel your presence. I love you.. xoxo
I know his parents were having issues.. financial, relationship, parental, emotional...so it was (I think) easier for everyone involved for Jakie to be with me. I am so glad I was able to have him.
He seemed to come at the perfect time in our lives. My father had recently passed and neither mom nor I were feeling well, yet he came in with his smile and brightened our hearts. He kept us going. It was wonderful. I was able to see him crawl and take his first steps. I was there for his first words. I gave him his first haircut. He was always good for his hair cuts too. He loved our animals. Wherever we went we always got compliments on what a beautiful baby he was. He was! ;) He was with us for a few months. He was to stay with us until his parents could get on their feet..
One day out of the blue his parents showed up and said they wanted him. They said they had a place to stay now and Jerry had a job. They took him and none of his things. We were in disbelief and shock. We had no time to gather his clothes, toys and necessities. We tried calling them to arrange when we could get together so we could make sure Jakie had all of his things. Well some of them because we always kept things at our house for him for when we had him here. Everyone said our house looked like a pre-school when he was here. Well, they don't answer their phone and they don't return calls. We don't know where they are now. All I have is a cell phone number for them. Where are they?
Where is my sweet Jacob Bryan?? They took him on Nov 5th 2008. I will never forget that day. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I want to find him so bad. I worry, does he have clothes? does have warm clothes? food? is he being played with? educated? I worry because I know he didn't have these things before at his home.
Those were the happiest days of my life...and now they are gone...
I ask for prayers from everyone to watch over Jacob and protect him. I ask for prayers that I will see him someday soon...